For the next week, I will be posting a portion of my journal entries from my time in the desert. Perhaps you will find something of value in my journey. Perhaps my questions, struggles, and desires are not unlike your own.
Waiting for my flight this morning, having first secured a doppio espresso (yes, I’m a coffee addict), I cracked open a new book I’d brought along, Red Notice by Bill Browder. It bills itself as “a true story of high finance, murder, and one man’s fight for justice.” It’s all of that and more.
On one hand, it was a really page turner; on the other hand, it was a disturbing, forced read, mainly because it was a stark reminder of the unjust and cruel ways us humans treat each other.
As Anthony de Mello remarked, “You thought people were nice. They’re not!” I think he was referring to all of us. (The quote was taken from Anthony de Mello’s Awareness, a wonderful little book I brought with me to the desert.)
The events related in Browder’s book also was an in-my-face reminder that the gurus are right: humans — all humans — act in their perceived self-interest, either all or almost all of the time, whether or not we are aware of it. Even when we’re engaged in acts of charity. Or justice. Possibly (although I’m not sure), we are capable of acting without regard to self-interest when pure love takes over. Not the kind of love that expects something in return; rather, the kind of love that has no expectations or conditions of any kind and is satisfying no psychological need. (I’m assuming — perhaps even believing and hoping — such a love exists.)
Our cruel and selfish ways as humans often trouble me. You’d think by now I would have done a better job of coming to terms with all of this. You’d think I would have become more aware and accepting of reality given all the time I’ve spent awake, and would not cling to the illusion that such behavior (as well as less lethal action) is an exception to the norm. But I’m learning that consciousness should never be equated with awakeness.
An understand of reality — the way things truly are as opposed to the way we see and interpret them — is blocked by many human constructs, ideas, and false beliefs, some of which may, at heart, be defense mechanisms, while others, upon close examination, are nothing more than blatant, manipulative stories designed to subjugate and pacify. Hence, I find I need to unlearn much of what’s been crammed down my throat since birth.
It’s time to deprogram. Deconstruct. Expose the illusions. Identify the false beliefs as well as the obstructions. Become more aware. Of reality. I was motivated to come to the desert, in part, by an awareness that deprogramming takes some concentrated effort.
Why do any of this?
So that I won’t be perpetually disappointed. So my illusions will not keep clashing with reality. So I won’t be held hostage by my thoughts.
Most importantly, so I may be free. So I can be content to be nobody. So I can stop expecting to find a meaning that does not exist. So I can be more aware of and contented with reality.
In the desert.